Sidewalk Santa: The Lost Christmas Classic Obama Doesn't Want You To Hear

A musical vision takes shape

Sometime around the holiday season of 1989-1990, before Mrs. Henry had officially embarked on its year-long Hootenanny, its three charter members--Reilly, Koslow, and McKenna--repaired to the town of their birth in order to visit with their apprehensive families, plot their future course, guzzle, and take a run at writing the world's most face-meltingly rocking Christmas song. Something must have been in the eggnog, because after locking themselves away for no more than a few hours McKenna and Koslow had composed a truly distinctive take on one of the great traditional themes of the season: drunken Santa. Gathering in Russ's mother's basement, with its liquor cabinet that had launched a thousand brandy fueled jam sessions, the future members of Mrs. Henry joined together with a few hometown friends to bring their musical vision of festive debauchery to life. The results slur for themselves.

          Christmas, Christmas time is here
          Santa's coming now don't you fear
          He's down on the corner he's ringing his bell,
          Been drinking since morning, he's feeling real well.
          [...]
          Mother's don't let your children go near
          Santa's in a stupor, the elves are drinking beer.
         Christmas isn't safe, anymore.

It has been reported that Billy Bob Thornton actually used to listen to a bootleg version of this recording in order to get into character as the foul mouthed "Bad Santa." But although pathetic dissipation is the song's lyrical theme, its music roars with animal health, like a wild boar on an exuberant holiday rampage.

Billy Bob listens to The Henry

You can hear The Who, AC/DC and the Kinks in this one, but also a characteristic Henry breakdown in the middle--the burbling Strat, the interlocking guitars, the varying dynamics, the Townshend-like clarity of the breakdown's lyrics, offering a different, more reflective take on the song's closeup, rather enthusiastic portrait of squalor.

         We cannot condemn Santa's folly--
         Christmas is the season to be jolly.
         The birth of Christ is surely cause
                     for celebration.
         Santa chose to celebrate
         with drunken dissipation.

Thus, the basic ingredients and sensibility of The Henry are here already, very much present, half a year before the band's official founding, and this take (in fact the third and best take of this song) captures much of their loose and loud live spirit. (The song was played live a few times as well, something which we are hoping will turn up soon in our search of the archives.) But there is an important difference from other Henry songs here. Careful listeners may notice that the singer is someone other than Koslow. And this is where the tale of Sidewalk Santa takes an interesting, some might say (while scratching their chins), very interesting turn here (Glenn Beck fans, take note!)

For while we are now able to disclose the fact that the singer on this version is a high-ranking member of the Obama administration, we are not at liberty to reveal his precise identity, nor in fact how high-ranking he actually is. This has led certain conspiracy enthusiasts to suggest that he is none other than Barack Hussein Obama himself! Unfortunately we can neither confirm nor deny this perfectly understandable rumor. Does the Obama administration want to keep you from knowing that our President once sang of Santa, "He's down on the corner in all kinds of weather,/Shouting 'Hey girls, tickle your ass with a feather?' " Give a listen, judge for yourselves.

We're Mrs. Henry's Julep Hootenanny. We purport. You decide.

Sidewalk Santa in its original packaging

To listen to the song, click here: Sidewalk Santa